QUESTION: I got pregnant and this has affected how I relate with my husband. I have two children already and I wasn’t ready for another one. My husband is fine with it but he feels sad because of my mood. I need counsel!
ANSWER: You have to stir up the joy of the Lord in you. Your sadness could be because of the additional responsibility on you, or the additional financial implications or anything else but remember that in everything, we must give thanks. You may have planned to have only two children so this caught you off guard. The Bible says we can make many plans but it is the Lords purpose that will prevail (Prov 19:21). And God’s purposes/plans are always good. Always!
Be at peace; all things work together for good. Don’t allow your mood to dampen your husband’s or the atmosphere in your home. Don’t push him away, instead lean on him for support and encouragement! Stir your spirit up with praise and worship songs, and meditate on scriptures to strengthen you emotionally and otherwise. Surround yourself with people who will also uplift you; and receive grace for the journey ahead.
Children are the heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is His reward. Remember that there are many people who are literally longing for their own biological children! Focus on the positive side to this; This child that God has ‘forcefully’ sent to the earth will be a blessing to your family and to his or her generation!
There may be deeper reasons for your sadness with this pregnancy so please if you need help for your specific situation, prayerfully seek for a godly source who can stir you in the right direction. May God send you answers of Peace!
QUESTION: How many years will it take a couple to understand each other?
ANSWER: Understanding your spouse is a continuous journey. It doesn’t end. Husbands are told to treat their wives with understanding as they live together (1 Peter 3:7). So it’s not a one time event. I often like to say that it’s important that you become a student of your spouse. Understand their peculiarities and way of thinking so you can adjust yourself to them.
If I understand my husband to be a certain way, I should be able to predict his actions or reactions, to a certain extent. If I know his backgrounds and experiences in life (which I should), I should be able to understand his opinions and viewpoints on certain issues. And if I understand his personality and character traits, that’s what helps me know how to approach him concerning certain issues.
Note that understanding and wisdom go hand in hand. Don’t approach your spouse based on how another person would approach their own spouse. I can’t say ‘but every man behaves like this’ so that means he also must do the same. No! It’s my duty to understand him as he is. Having said that, marriage is a learning institution, we’re expected to change and grow in it.
Hopefully the changes that take place in us will be positive changes but as we observe changes in our spouse, we have to keep adjusting to them. The husband or wife you married at 22, for example, won’t be the same at 32 or 40. You should have expected them to change and if you were paying attention, you would have noticed the changes. So understanding is continuous. Remember it is by understanding that a home remains established (Prov. 23:4).
If you need help for your specific situation, prayerfully seek for help from a godly source who can stir you in the right direction. May God send you answers of Peace!
Question: Please I just need a little light. During a church gathering, I heard in my spirit to vow my 3 months salary if God blesses me with a job. My husband was not available so I couldn’t discuss it with him and I forgot to mention it. In Jan 2018, God blessed me with the job, but when I mentioned the vow to my husband, he said I shouldn’t go ahead with it; that I ought to have told him first. What is your advice? Should I leave my vow and just stick with what my husband said?would God be ok?
Answer: God bless you real good. My advice to you is that you hold on since your husband has said you shouldn’t do it. God knows your heart and He knows you made that vow with sincerity of heart. However, He also knows you’re a woman under authority. If you decide to go ahead and do it, it would cause unnecessary strife and division in your home, which should be avoided at all cost.
If you feel strongly about it, go to God in prayer to touch your husband’s heart, and you could speak to your husband again if that’s possible BUT don’t just go ahead without his agreement on it. If the funds are to be put towards certain expenses in the home, remember that both of you need to agree on these matters so don’t just do as you please. If you do, you’ll begin to spend unnecessary amount of energy on an avoidable issue. And please don’t worry, God will be just fine! Read up on Numbers 30:10-13. I believe those verses also have the answers you need. I hope this has been helpful.
Please note that this is my position on this and I stand by it. If you feel as if you need any additional counsel on this matter, please seek a godly counselor who will stir you in the right direction. May whatever step you take produce peace and blessings!
QUESTION: How does finding a wife work? Am I to find by myself? Am I to pray to God to show me clearly who to marry? What qualities do I need to look out for?
Answer: I understand that a man is to find a wife by himself and ask God to validate/endorse his choice (Prov.18:22). I also understand that God can direct your steps clearly to the woman that is appointed for you. Either way, as long as God is involved, you can’t miss it. You must subdue your flesh so you can clearly hear what the Spirit of the Lord is saying concerning a wife. The fact that a lady is nice, doesn’t necessarily make her the appointed one to join you in the journey of life.
While there are many qualities such as a woman who is hardworking, respectful, a team player, prayerful, etc. I’ll say one major quality you should pray for in a wife is that she is a woman of peace and she is understanding. The Scriptures say that “Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth but only the Lord can give an understanding/prudent wife” – Proverbs 19:14. Marriage will come with a lot of detours and some challenges, and as the leader of the home who may have to make some critical decisions, you can’t afford not to have an understanding wife.
Let me say this though, you must not be found taking advantage of the fact that she is understanding. Don’t behave as you please and think there won’t be consequences. Whatever you desire in her, should be found twice as much in you as the one leading the home. Although this question came from a man, I’ll advise ladies who desire to be married, to pray to be found without delays. Ask God to help you be at the right place at the right time and that His favour will cause you to be noticed, as you also consciously prepare yourself for marriage.
While doing all this, be at peace. If you’re anxious about marriage, you’ll end up making poor choices. Whatever you do, don’t force any relationship. Marriage is rightfully yours as you desire it but if you enter into it by all means, the consequences can be too costly. I hope this has been helpful.
Question: I had an extramarital affair but I am now born again and have stopped. However, even though I believe God has forgiven me, and I have sought the forgiveness of my spouse, I still feel condemned and ashamed. Please advice me.
Answer: ,First of all, the truth is that an affair is a tough thing to get over because of the damage it causes in a marriage. However, there is nothing that cannot be repaired by God. Secondly, as long as you have sought God’s forgiveness, there is no need to still condemn yourself for the mistake you made. You’re born again so you are a new creature and old things have passed away. You must therefore wholeheartedly receive the forgiveness of God, shake off feelings of guilt by casting down condemning thoughts. Be assured that you have been cleansed from all unrighteousness. God is faithful; when God forgives, He forgives!
Thirdly, the complete forgiveness of your wife/husband is critical in order for your marriage to be restored. Earnestly seek their forgiveness and be ready to do what it takes to earn their trust back. Don’t expect this to be automatic; you have to prove yourself to be trustworthy again and it may take some time for your spouse to fully trust you again. Finally, you should also pray for them that their forgiveness is complete and seeds of bitterness don’t spring up in them.
You (as an individual or as a couple) would also benefit from some godly counseling from trustworthy sources that are geared towards offering you both the necessary encouragement and support on the road to healing and restoration. I trust this has been helpful and believe God that your home will not be destroyed!
If you want to get your spouse to see something from your perspective, always remember that there is a right way to do so. Sometimes we don’t see the results we’d like because our approach is wrong. If you use the wrong approach, of course you will get the wrong results. Differences of opinion don’t have to lead to fighting, quarreling, or arguing. Don’t accept such things as normal because it would give room for strife, etc if care is not taken (James 3:16). When wisdom is at work anywhere, even those different opinions can be handled with peace, leading to progress. The wisdom from above is peaceable and reasonable (James 3:17). Raising your voice, insulting your spouse, etc just because they are yet to understand your point of view is not only immature but foolish.
If you communicate effectively, the information you’re trying to pass across will be rightly understood and accurately interpreted.
Your spouse may be argumentative but remember it takes two people to argue; instead of joining in, be prayerful and use wisdom (it is better than strength). If you are just an argumentative person, learn to calm down and allow the Holy Spirit to help you be a man/woman of peace. Nobody likes an argumentative spouse; even those who have accepted it as normal, would prefer if it were not part of their relationship.
Discuss, reason together, resolve issues respectfully but don’t fight or argue (leave that for the court of law). Single ladies and gentlemen, please accept this truth also; it’ll help you! Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling (Proverbs 20:3). So, work on it until it’s no more part of your relationship/family. That is wisdom!
Throwback to when I took my relationship with the saxophone public! When my dream to learn how to play an instrument reached its peak, I’d picked this beauty up but wasn’t sure I could handle it. I saw it as a tough one to play (aren’t they all?). Last year, I made up my mind to challenge myself and make this relationship work! When we decided to compose a song for my sweet mama in-law’s 60th birthday, I seized the opportunity!
Thanks to a fantastic teacher, within such a short period of time, my love for this instrument deepened and it has taught me so much more about myself! Since the day this picture was taken, I’ve refused to let the sax go. I didn’t know I could produce such beautiful melodies! In fact, I feel like a saxophonist. hmm I shall get there (you better watch out)! This was one nerve-wracking day of my life but I’m grateful God showed me as usual, that anything I commit myself to is as good as done.
Honestly, any relationship that’ll work requires dedication/commitment. No marriage can be built on simply praying, fasting, etc. After that, we must still do the needful: work for what we want! It requires having to stretch ourselves/be uncomfortable but that’s how the beauty of it will show forth. Depending on how we view it; marriage is a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves and tackle certain personal character traits within us that need to get lost.
Many issues in relationships can be easily resolved if both people are willing to calm down, think and talk things through. You may find out that you have the same point but because you’re so eager to get your point across, there is a miscommunication (Prov 18:2). However, once we decide to make it work and are ready to follow the process, it’ll produce a beautiful melody within our homes (get it?)!
Apart from likening this to relationships, I encourage you – Anything you desire to do, don’t wait any longer; do it! Everything we want to succeed at requires the same thing – dedication/commitment, a willingness to challenge ourselves. Don’t forget that as God helps, what you also do, determines what comes out of it!
Single lady or gentleman, please ensure that potential spouse has a positive influence on you. What value is that relationship adding to your life? Are you becoming a better individual because of it (spiritually and otherwise) or is it already bringing out the worst in you? Think well. Anyone you want to join yourself to should bring out the best in you, not dampen your spirit.
People who knew you before the relationship started should be able to see a difference in you. If you are tired, feel used and abused, etc, run for your life! If that person makes you feel like they are doing you a favour by being in a relationship with you or even thinking of getting married to you, run for your life. If that person has some negative character traits or habits that continues to cause problems in your relationship, run for your life!
Don’t make marriage a welfare issue! See yourself as valuable (and keep working on yourself to become even better)! Anyone who makes you feel like they can do better than you is not for you! Don’t be careless; if things are like this now, they will get worse in marriage. Don’t get married just to get married! If that marriage won’t add any value to you, you’re better off remaining single so you can enjoy the life God has given to you, and fulfill your destiny with confidence and peace of mind. You’re not yet married, so seize this opportunity that you have to get it right!
Please note that you also should ensure you’re not making anyone feel undervalued. If you don’t want to be in that relationship, end it so they too can move on in peace. What you wouldn’t appreciate; you shouldn’t do to others. You will reap whatever you sow. If you’re married and you feel tired, and ready to call it quits, I’m praying for you to remain strengthened! I urge you to seek godly counsel before taking any drastic steps. It may look beyond repair but remember that God has everything it takes to restore the colour and beauty that has been lost. You have to be willing to give Him a chance and He’ll work things out for your good!
So singles, if you want to enjoy your life in marriage, please be wise!
Oneness in marriage can’t be overemphasized. Any home where the husband and wife are of one mind and they speak the same language (unity), they are able to accomplish anything they set out to do! The power of oneness as found in Genesis 11:6, paints a solid picture. God acknowledged their unity and said nothing would be impossible that they purposed to do from that moment on. How needful is that in a marriage? Learn to work together so you can have the results you desire.
Strengthen your oneness by doing productive things together and talking through everything! Learn to be of one mind particularly on matters of your home and concerning any goals or plans you may have. Lean on each other for ideas and support, and work together to bring those ideas to life. All the enemy needs is for a husband and wife to be divided, because then he can easily do as he pleases in their home. Give him no place!
While we shouldn’t lose our identities in marriage, we shouldn’t also live our lives without taking consideration of how it will affect our spouses and the relationship/family.
There are things that must be handled jointly if we want to have peace and experience progress in the home. Be wise!
Don’t allow a wedge to remain between you and your spouse; that is a costly mistake. Marriage is one of the pleasures and blessings of life but we have to manage it well if we want to enjoy it. And if we don’t maintain a house United, we may miss out on the great things we can accomplish together, to the glory of God.
If you’ve hurt your spouse in any way, humble yourself and apologize. Don’t just apologize, be remorseful about whatever wrong you’ve done and don’t make it a habit. A lot of issues in many homes could easily be resolved if apologies flowed freely and each person accepted responsibility whenever they were the point of offense.
We must strive not to offend our spouses but there are times it will happen (hopefully unintentionally), and when it does, we must be quick to resolve it and reconcile. The longer you refuse to correct your wrongdoing, the greater the damage will be. Nobody should have to plead with you and coerce you to apologize to your spouse, either. Let it flow freely out of you. It takes nothing from you to say, “I’m sorry”, “I didn’t mean it”, “please forgive me”, etc with a matching attitude.
If such simple words and actions will keep your home stable, why not do it? You must give the devil no place! If your spouse indicates that they have been hurt by something you did or said, don’t ignore their feelings. Being apologetic and taking every attempt to make it up, doesn’t take anything from you. Don’t let your pride get in the way and don’t make excuses for your offense; instead make adjustments/corrections.
Please know that if offending and apologizing becomes your trademark in your home, it’ll be hard for peace to reign and it will affect the trust/forgiveness your spouse extends towards you, so again don’t make it a habit. Whatever you do, be a promoter of peace and unity; your marriage needs both (and much more, including apologies) to flourish! Single ladies and gentlemen, take note!