Question: Please I just need a little light. During a church gathering, I heard in my spirit to vow my 3 months salary if God blesses me with a job. My husband was not available so I couldn’t discuss it with him and I forgot to mention it. In Jan 2018, God blessed me with the job, but when I mentioned the vow to my husband, he said I shouldn’t go ahead with it; that I ought to have told him first. What is your advice? Should I leave my vow and just stick with what my husband said?would God be ok?

Answer: God bless you real good. My advice to you is that you hold on since your husband has said you shouldn’t do it. God knows your heart and He knows you made that vow with sincerity of heart. However, He also knows you’re a woman under authority. If you decide to go ahead and do it, it would cause unnecessary strife and division in your home, which should be avoided at all cost.

If you feel strongly about it, go to God in prayer to touch your husband’s heart, and you could speak to your husband again if that’s possible BUT don’t just go ahead without his agreement on it. If the funds are to be put towards certain expenses in the home, remember that both of you need to agree on these matters so don’t just do as you please. If you do, you’ll begin to spend unnecessary amount of energy on an avoidable issue. And please don’t worry, God will be just fine! Read up on Numbers 30:10-13. I believe those verses also have the answers you need. I hope this has been helpful.

Please note that this is my position on this and I stand by it. If you feel as if you need any additional counsel on this matter, please seek a godly counselor who will stir you in the right direction. May whatever step you take produce peace and blessings!

How does finding a wife work?

QUESTION: How does finding a wife work? Am I to find by myself? Am I to pray to God to show me clearly who to marry? What qualities do I need to look out for?

Answer: I understand that a man is to find a wife by himself and ask God to validate/endorse his choice (Prov.18:22). I also understand that God can direct your steps clearly to the woman that is appointed for you. Either way, as long as God is involved, you can’t miss it. You must subdue your flesh so you can clearly hear what the Spirit of the Lord is saying concerning a wife. The fact that a lady is nice, doesn’t necessarily make her the appointed one to join you in the journey of life.

While there are many qualities such as a woman who is hardworking, respectful, a team player, prayerful, etc. I’ll say one major quality you should pray for in a wife is that she is a woman of peace and she is understanding. The Scriptures say that “Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth but only the Lord can give an understanding/prudent wife” – Proverbs 19:14. Marriage will come with a lot of detours and some challenges, and as the leader of the home who may have to make some critical decisions, you can’t afford not to have an understanding wife.

Let me say this though, you must not be found taking advantage of the fact that she is understanding. Don’t behave as you please and think there won’t be consequences. Whatever you desire in her, should be found twice as much in you as the one leading the home. Although this question came from a man, I’ll advise ladies who desire to be married, to pray to be found without delays. Ask God to help you be at the right place at the right time and that His favour will cause you to be noticed, as you also consciously prepare yourself for marriage.

While doing all this, be at peace. If you’re anxious about marriage, you’ll end up making poor choices. Whatever you do, don’t force any relationship. Marriage is rightfully yours as you desire it but if you enter into it by all means, the consequences can be too costly. I hope this has been helpful.

How to deal with an extra-marital affair!

Question: I had an extramarital affair but I am now born again and have stopped. However, even though I believe God has forgiven me, and I have sought the forgiveness of my spouse, I still feel condemned and ashamed. Please advice me.

Answer: ,First of all, the truth is that an affair is a tough thing to get over because of the damage it causes in a marriage. However, there is nothing that cannot be repaired by God. Secondly, as long as you have sought God’s forgiveness, there is no need to still condemn yourself for the mistake you made. You’re born again so you are a new creature and old things have passed away. You must therefore wholeheartedly receive the forgiveness of God, shake off feelings of guilt by casting down condemning thoughts. Be assured that you have been cleansed from all unrighteousness. God is faithful; when God forgives, He forgives!

Thirdly, the complete forgiveness of your wife/husband is critical in order for your marriage to be restored. Earnestly seek their forgiveness and be ready to do what it takes to earn their trust back. Don’t expect this to be automatic; you have to prove yourself to be trustworthy again and it may take some time for your spouse to fully trust you again. Finally, you should also pray for them that their forgiveness is complete and seeds of bitterness don’t spring up in them.

You (as an individual or as a couple) would also benefit from some godly counseling from trustworthy sources that are geared towards offering you both the necessary encouragement and support on the road to healing and restoration. I trust this has been helpful and believe God that your home will not be destroyed! 

Do it the right way!

If you want to get your spouse to see something from your perspective, always remember that there is a right way to do so. Sometimes we don’t see the results we’d like because our approach is wrong. If you use the wrong approach, of course you will get the wrong results. Differences of opinion don’t have to lead to fighting, quarreling, or arguing. Don’t accept such things as normal because it would give room for strife, etc if care is not taken (James 3:16). When wisdom is at work anywhere, even those different opinions can be handled with peace, leading to progress. The wisdom from above is peaceable and reasonable (James 3:17). Raising your voice, insulting your spouse, etc just because they are yet to understand your point of view is not only immature but foolish.

If you communicate effectively, the information you’re trying to pass across will be rightly understood and accurately interpreted.
Your spouse may be argumentative but remember it takes two people to argue; instead of joining in, be prayerful and use wisdom (it is better than strength). If you are just an argumentative person, learn to calm down and allow the Holy Spirit to help you be a man/woman of peace. Nobody likes an argumentative spouse; even those who have accepted it as normal, would prefer if it were not part of their relationship.

Discuss, reason together, resolve issues respectfully but don’t fight or argue (leave that for the court of law). Single ladies and gentlemen, please accept this truth also; it’ll help you! Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling (Proverbs 20:3). So, work on it until it’s no more part of your relationship/family. That is wisdom!

Making beautiful melodies in a home!

Throwback to when I took my relationship with the saxophone public! When my dream to learn how to play an instrument reached its peak, I’d picked this beauty up but wasn’t sure I could handle it. I saw it as a tough one to play (aren’t they all?). Last year, I made up my mind to challenge myself and make this relationship work! When we decided to compose a song for my sweet mama in-law’s 60th birthday, I seized the opportunity!

Thanks to a fantastic teacher, within such a short period of time, my love for this instrument deepened and it has taught me so much more about myself! Since the day this picture was taken, I’ve refused to let the sax go. I didn’t know I could produce such beautiful melodies! In fact, I feel like a saxophonist. hmm I shall get there (you better watch out)! This was one nerve-wracking day of my life but I’m grateful God showed me as usual, that anything I commit myself to is as good as done.

Honestly, any relationship that’ll work requires dedication/commitment. No marriage can be built on simply praying, fasting, etc. After that, we must still do the needful: work for what we want! It requires having to stretch ourselves/be uncomfortable but that’s how the beauty of it will show forth. Depending on how we view it; marriage is a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves and tackle certain personal character traits within us that need to get lost.

Many issues in relationships can be easily resolved if both people are willing to calm down, think and talk things through. You may find out that you have the same point but because you’re so eager to get your point across, there is a miscommunication (Prov 18:2). However, once we decide to make it work and are ready to follow the process, it’ll produce a beautiful melody within our homes (get it?)!

Apart from likening this to relationships, I encourage you – Anything you desire to do, don’t wait any longer; do it! Everything we want to succeed at requires the same thing – dedication/commitment, a willingness to challenge ourselves. Don’t forget that as God helps, what you also do, determines what comes out of it!

How good is that relationship for you?

Single lady or gentleman, please ensure that potential spouse has a positive influence on you. What value is that relationship adding to your life? Are you becoming a better individual because of it (spiritually and otherwise) or is it already bringing out the worst in you? Think well. Anyone you want to join yourself to should bring out the best in you, not dampen your spirit.

People who knew you before the relationship started should be able to see a difference in you. If you are tired, feel used and abused, etc, run for your life! If that person makes you feel like they are doing you a favour by being in a relationship with you or even thinking of getting married to you, run for your life. If that person has some negative character traits or habits that continues to cause problems in your relationship, run for your life!

Don’t make marriage a welfare issue! See yourself as valuable (and keep working on yourself to become even better)! Anyone who makes you feel like they can do better than you is not for you! Don’t be careless; if things are like this now, they will get worse in marriage. Don’t get married just to get married! If that marriage won’t add any value to you, you’re better off remaining single so you can enjoy the life God has given to you, and fulfill your destiny with confidence and peace of mind. You’re not yet married, so seize this opportunity that you have to get it right!

Please note that you also should ensure you’re not making anyone feel undervalued. If you don’t want to be in that relationship, end it so they too can move on in peace. What you wouldn’t appreciate; you shouldn’t do to others. You will reap whatever you sow. If you’re married and you feel tired, and ready to call it quits, I’m praying for you to remain strengthened! I urge you to seek godly counsel before taking any drastic steps. It may look beyond repair but remember that God has everything it takes to restore the colour and beauty that has been lost. You have to be willing to give Him a chance and He’ll work things out for your good!

So singles, if you want to enjoy your life in marriage, please be wise!

Oneness = Peace & Unity

Oneness in marriage can’t be overemphasized. Any home where the husband and wife are of one mind and they speak the same language (unity), they are able to accomplish anything they set out to do! The power of oneness as found in Genesis 11:6, paints a solid picture. God acknowledged their unity and said nothing would be impossible that they purposed to do from that moment on. How needful is that in a marriage? Learn to work together so you can have the results you desire.

Strengthen your oneness by doing productive things together and talking through everything! Learn to be of one mind particularly on matters of your home and concerning any goals or plans you may have. Lean on each other for ideas and support, and work together to bring those ideas to life. All the enemy needs is for a husband and wife to be divided, because then he can easily do as he pleases in their home. Give him no place!

While we shouldn’t lose our identities in marriage, we shouldn’t also live our lives without taking consideration of how it will affect our spouses and the relationship/family.
There are things that must be handled jointly if we want to have peace and experience progress in the home. Be wise!

Don’t allow a wedge to remain between you and your spouse; that is a costly mistake. Marriage is one of the pleasures and blessings of life but we have to manage it well if we want to enjoy it. And if we don’t maintain a house United, we may miss out on the great things we can accomplish together, to the glory of God.

Correct Your Wrong!

If you’ve hurt your spouse in any way, humble yourself and apologize. Don’t just apologize, be remorseful about whatever wrong you’ve done and don’t make it a habit. A lot of issues in many homes could easily be resolved if apologies flowed freely and each person accepted responsibility whenever they were the point of offense.

We must strive not to offend our spouses but there are times it will happen (hopefully unintentionally), and when it does, we must be quick to resolve it and reconcile. The longer you refuse to correct your wrongdoing, the greater the damage will be. Nobody should have to plead with you and coerce you to apologize to your spouse, either. Let it flow freely out of you. It takes nothing from you to say, “I’m sorry”, “I didn’t mean it”, “please forgive me”, etc with a matching attitude.

If such simple words and actions will keep your home stable, why not do it? You must give the devil no place! If your spouse indicates that they have been hurt by something you did or said, don’t ignore their feelings. Being apologetic and taking every attempt to make it up, doesn’t take anything from you. Don’t let your pride get in the way and don’t make excuses for your offense; instead make adjustments/corrections.

Please know that if offending and apologizing becomes your trademark in your home, it’ll be hard for peace to reign and it will affect the trust/forgiveness your spouse extends towards you, so again don’t make it a habit. Whatever you do, be a promoter of peace and unity; your marriage needs both (and much more, including apologies) to flourish! Single ladies and gentlemen, take note! 

A Worthy Wife!

A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones – Prov. 12:4! Strive to be a worthy wife, a woman of noble character, an excellent wife, a virtuous woman. A woman of a meek and gentle spirit (1 Peter 3:4). Who wouldn’t want such a wife? I’m still a work in progress but I’m one crown my husband proudly wears! Don’t be the wife who disgraces her husband. Don’t be the one who doesn’t know how to tame her tongue, a troublemaker, who gossips around town, spreading her husband’s imperfections to anyone who will listen. Those are signs of a foolish woman (Proverbs 14:1).

God created us as helpers so we must not turn ourselves into something we’re not. Be a helper and a supporter. An encourager and an asset! Keep striving to be the best you possible in all departments of your life. Do well outside your home but do better at home. Don’t excel outside the home and fall short within the home. God’s grace is sufficient for excellence in all that we do.

Your husband may not be behaving as you’d like but don’t allow his behavior to bring out the worst in you. Instead, be prayerful and seek help from the Holy Spirit. Be wise when you want issues resolved in the home. If you still have young children, remember you are an example to them; they are watching you closely, and they will speak of what they saw, in the future.

As always, if you feel yours is broken beyond repair, seek godly counsel from those who will do all they can to stir you in the right direction. There’s nothing that can’t be restored as long as God is involved, and as long as we are willing to cooperate with Him. Of course, a husband should also do what is right; it takes two to build a home.

Any husband who is loving correctly (Ephesians 3:25), will provoke positive results in his wife and see the proofs in his home. However this is specifically to admonish us as women to strive to be honorable and exemplary wives, circumstances notwithstanding. And to do all you can to bring out the best in your home! If you’re a single lady, don’t wait, now is the time to work on yourself!

Question: How do I cope with a spouse that has an unteachable spirit?

Answer: First of all, I want you to know that there is nothing that prayer cannot handle. You may feel like the answer may take too long to come, but as long as you don’t give up, the answer will come. Remember that the heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord and He has what it takes to turn it whichever way He pleases (Proverbs 21:1). So I encourage you to commit your spouse to prayer.

An unteachable spirit is a product of pride. A proud person feels like they know it all and they have all the answers therefore, they never want to hear or think of an alternative. Pride is a destructive stronghold and you have to pray concerning that trait in your spouse so that stronghold can be broken. Ask God to release the spirit of humility upon them and help him/her see the error of their ways and correct their wrongdoings.

In all this, you have to be patient. Yes, you have to wear patience like a cloth because you will need a lot of it as you wait for the change you desire. Please note that as you wait, you can still get through to your spouse depending on how you approach them. Be wise with the way you manage yourself (words, attitude, etc) and situations in your home so peace can still reign.

A ‘my way or the highway’ mentality is very destructive in any home but it can be overcome depending on the process we follow. If you are someone who is unteachable or proud, please work on pruning that trait away. The Scriptures say that pride brings a person low and there is more hope for a fool than for a proud person (Prov. 26:12; Prov. 29:23). It’s not attractive and it will destroy your home if care is not taken.

If you happen to be in courtship with someone who has such traits, speak to them about it. If there are no improvements, do not get married otherwise that would be a huge prayer project in your marriage. The choice is yours! Please, if you feel you need further help to manage this situation, prayerfully seek it from a godly source you can speak to who will stir you in the right direction. May God send you answers of Peace!