All posts by Kemi Oyedepo

How good is that relationship for you?

Single lady or gentleman, please ensure that potential spouse has a positive influence on you. What value is that relationship adding to your life? Are you becoming a better individual because of it (spiritually and otherwise) or is it already bringing out the worst in you? Think well. Anyone you want to join yourself to should bring out the best in you, not dampen your spirit.

People who knew you before the relationship started should be able to see a difference in you. If you are tired, feel used and abused, etc, run for your life! If that person makes you feel like they are doing you a favour by being in a relationship with you or even thinking of getting married to you, run for your life. If that person has some negative character traits or habits that continues to cause problems in your relationship, run for your life!

Don’t make marriage a welfare issue! See yourself as valuable (and keep working on yourself to become even better)! Anyone who makes you feel like they can do better than you is not for you! Don’t be careless; if things are like this now, they will get worse in marriage. Don’t get married just to get married! If that marriage won’t add any value to you, you’re better off remaining single so you can enjoy the life God has given to you, and fulfill your destiny with confidence and peace of mind. You’re not yet married, so seize this opportunity that you have to get it right!

Please note that you also should ensure you’re not making anyone feel undervalued. If you don’t want to be in that relationship, end it so they too can move on in peace. What you wouldn’t appreciate; you shouldn’t do to others. You will reap whatever you sow. If you’re married and you feel tired, and ready to call it quits, I’m praying for you to remain strengthened! I urge you to seek godly counsel before taking any drastic steps. It may look beyond repair but remember that God has everything it takes to restore the colour and beauty that has been lost. You have to be willing to give Him a chance and He’ll work things out for your good!

So singles, if you want to enjoy your life in marriage, please be wise!

Oneness = Peace & Unity

Oneness in marriage can’t be overemphasized. Any home where the husband and wife are of one mind and they speak the same language (unity), they are able to accomplish anything they set out to do! The power of oneness as found in Genesis 11:6, paints a solid picture. God acknowledged their unity and said nothing would be impossible that they purposed to do from that moment on. How needful is that in a marriage? Learn to work together so you can have the results you desire.

Strengthen your oneness by doing productive things together and talking through everything! Learn to be of one mind particularly on matters of your home and concerning any goals or plans you may have. Lean on each other for ideas and support, and work together to bring those ideas to life. All the enemy needs is for a husband and wife to be divided, because then he can easily do as he pleases in their home. Give him no place!

While we shouldn’t lose our identities in marriage, we shouldn’t also live our lives without taking consideration of how it will affect our spouses and the relationship/family.
There are things that must be handled jointly if we want to have peace and experience progress in the home. Be wise!

Don’t allow a wedge to remain between you and your spouse; that is a costly mistake. Marriage is one of the pleasures and blessings of life but we have to manage it well if we want to enjoy it. And if we don’t maintain a house United, we may miss out on the great things we can accomplish together, to the glory of God.

Correct Your Wrong!

If you’ve hurt your spouse in any way, humble yourself and apologize. Don’t just apologize, be remorseful about whatever wrong you’ve done and don’t make it a habit. A lot of issues in many homes could easily be resolved if apologies flowed freely and each person accepted responsibility whenever they were the point of offense.

We must strive not to offend our spouses but there are times it will happen (hopefully unintentionally), and when it does, we must be quick to resolve it and reconcile. The longer you refuse to correct your wrongdoing, the greater the damage will be. Nobody should have to plead with you and coerce you to apologize to your spouse, either. Let it flow freely out of you. It takes nothing from you to say, “I’m sorry”, “I didn’t mean it”, “please forgive me”, etc with a matching attitude.

If such simple words and actions will keep your home stable, why not do it? You must give the devil no place! If your spouse indicates that they have been hurt by something you did or said, don’t ignore their feelings. Being apologetic and taking every attempt to make it up, doesn’t take anything from you. Don’t let your pride get in the way and don’t make excuses for your offense; instead make adjustments/corrections.

Please know that if offending and apologizing becomes your trademark in your home, it’ll be hard for peace to reign and it will affect the trust/forgiveness your spouse extends towards you, so again don’t make it a habit. Whatever you do, be a promoter of peace and unity; your marriage needs both (and much more, including apologies) to flourish! Single ladies and gentlemen, take note! 

A Worthy Wife!

A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones – Prov. 12:4! Strive to be a worthy wife, a woman of noble character, an excellent wife, a virtuous woman. A woman of a meek and gentle spirit (1 Peter 3:4). Who wouldn’t want such a wife? I’m still a work in progress but I’m one crown my husband proudly wears! Don’t be the wife who disgraces her husband. Don’t be the one who doesn’t know how to tame her tongue, a troublemaker, who gossips around town, spreading her husband’s imperfections to anyone who will listen. Those are signs of a foolish woman (Proverbs 14:1).

God created us as helpers so we must not turn ourselves into something we’re not. Be a helper and a supporter. An encourager and an asset! Keep striving to be the best you possible in all departments of your life. Do well outside your home but do better at home. Don’t excel outside the home and fall short within the home. God’s grace is sufficient for excellence in all that we do.

Your husband may not be behaving as you’d like but don’t allow his behavior to bring out the worst in you. Instead, be prayerful and seek help from the Holy Spirit. Be wise when you want issues resolved in the home. If you still have young children, remember you are an example to them; they are watching you closely, and they will speak of what they saw, in the future.

As always, if you feel yours is broken beyond repair, seek godly counsel from those who will do all they can to stir you in the right direction. There’s nothing that can’t be restored as long as God is involved, and as long as we are willing to cooperate with Him. Of course, a husband should also do what is right; it takes two to build a home.

Any husband who is loving correctly (Ephesians 3:25), will provoke positive results in his wife and see the proofs in his home. However this is specifically to admonish us as women to strive to be honorable and exemplary wives, circumstances notwithstanding. And to do all you can to bring out the best in your home! If you’re a single lady, don’t wait, now is the time to work on yourself!

Question: How do I cope with a spouse that has an unteachable spirit?

Answer: First of all, I want you to know that there is nothing that prayer cannot handle. You may feel like the answer may take too long to come, but as long as you don’t give up, the answer will come. Remember that the heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord and He has what it takes to turn it whichever way He pleases (Proverbs 21:1). So I encourage you to commit your spouse to prayer.

An unteachable spirit is a product of pride. A proud person feels like they know it all and they have all the answers therefore, they never want to hear or think of an alternative. Pride is a destructive stronghold and you have to pray concerning that trait in your spouse so that stronghold can be broken. Ask God to release the spirit of humility upon them and help him/her see the error of their ways and correct their wrongdoings.

In all this, you have to be patient. Yes, you have to wear patience like a cloth because you will need a lot of it as you wait for the change you desire. Please note that as you wait, you can still get through to your spouse depending on how you approach them. Be wise with the way you manage yourself (words, attitude, etc) and situations in your home so peace can still reign.

A ‘my way or the highway’ mentality is very destructive in any home but it can be overcome depending on the process we follow. If you are someone who is unteachable or proud, please work on pruning that trait away. The Scriptures say that pride brings a person low and there is more hope for a fool than for a proud person (Prov. 26:12; Prov. 29:23). It’s not attractive and it will destroy your home if care is not taken.

If you happen to be in courtship with someone who has such traits, speak to them about it. If there are no improvements, do not get married otherwise that would be a huge prayer project in your marriage. The choice is yours! Please, if you feel you need further help to manage this situation, prayerfully seek it from a godly source you can speak to who will stir you in the right direction. May God send you answers of Peace!

Make Allowance!

“Make ALLOWANCE for each other’s faults, and FORGIVE anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with LOVE, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the PEACE that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace…” – Colossians 3:13-15!

If both people are being real, their flaws will show in a marriage but we must make allowance for it and be willing to forgive so we can dwell together in peace and experience progress in our family life! Discuss issues but don’t let issues divide you! This Scripture is a perfect summary of this thing called (a Christian) marriage!

Happy Mothers Day!

Motherhood is one of those journeys you never really appreciate until you step into the role. The sacrifices and everything in between takes on a whole new meaning when you actually become a mother. It’s a rigourous but rewarding journey and requires all the grace to do the best job you possibly can. It calls for sowing seeds day and night and watering those seeds, believing God that the harvest will be bountiful. It is hoping that like the Proverbs 31 woman, you indeed laugh at the future watching your children grow up and live a life worthy of the gospel of Christ!

My mother means the world to me. No one else comes close! Her input into my life has shaped me into the woman, wife and mother that I am today. People may not value the time and energy a mother invests in her children but I don’t need anyone to validate the most important assignment God has given to me. It is a high and holy calling. Don’t downplay how significant you are! You are invaluable. You can’t pass value to your children if you don’t see yourself as invaluable in God’s sight.

Be the affirmation your children need. Be the teacher. Be the one who encourages their faith! Every day, deliberately spend some quality time with them, investing particularly into their spiritual lives. The more I just hang out with my children, the more beautiful they are to me! Ah… motherhood! It’s a sweet journey; nothing else comes close to it. If you feel your husband/their father is not living up to his role, don’t let that stop you from giving your best; they will rise and bless you for it! You may feel as if your input is not yet showing, don’t let that deter you. Keep praying for your children and in no time, you’ll see them align.

You may have come from a home without a mother or perhaps your mother didn’t know better. Learn from that and be determined to do better for your children. If you genuinely don’t know what to do, seek the counsel you need! I’m praying for anyone who desires this beautiful role of motherhood, may the Lord grant your desires in Jesus name, amen!

Accept corrections and do something with it!

The truth is that in every relationship, we have to be open to taking corrections as often as necessary. You may think you’re the nicest, most mature person around but don’t forget that your spouse or potential spouse is the one on the receiving end. You may not be as gentle as you think you are. I often say that marriage is the ultimate test of our true character and the fruit of the Spirit at work in us. You may consider yourself to be patient, and slow to anger but how you manage yourself when your emotions are tested is what reveals who you really are.

Accept that you are imperfect (aren’t we all?) and be a good sport about taking corrections when your errors are pointed out. Accept that your ideas are not the only good ones available. Accept that you actually don’t have all the answers and compromise when needed. Please, don’t be a fault finder either. Sometimes, a person may claim to be correcting but they are actually just trying to find faults unnecessarily; that’s unwise.

If you need to correct, do so in love (and with a lot of wisdom), not with malicious intent. And if you’re corrected, accept it in good faith and work on yourself; that’s a sign of humility. Don’t get defensive and don’t throw tantrums. If it has been pointed out, just work on it so it doesn’t cause tension in your relationship/marriage. It’s not about being perfect but it is very much about growth. However, growth is impossible if we’re unwilling to accept correction and do something with it!

Know better. Do better!

It’s one thing to know. It’s another thing to do what we know. In our relationships and families, many of us actually know what to do but most of us don’t do it. The gathering of information is not what will cause us to enjoy life or family as God intends. It’s the application of the knowledge gathered that is the difference maker. It’s not enough to read all the books, attend seminars, receive counseling and learn from others. We must be willing to do what we learn in season and out of season; when we feel like it and when we don’t feel like it.

If you know that walking in strife will only further divide you and your (potential) spouse, it’s unwise to allow it to linger. If you know that your temper is getting in the way of an enjoyable relationship, do something about it. If you know your words tend to be more hurtful than helpful, examine yourself and make a change. There’s no point in going after knowledge if you know you’re just going to store it somewhere. Jesus calls such an individual a fool and He states that a wise person is the one who knows (hears) and does (Matthew 7:25-27). That person is the one whose house won’t collapse in the midst of floods or winds blowing heavily, in the midst of crisis, and in the midst of instability.

When you know better, do better. It doesn’t mean you should just stay in an unhealthy or abusive (emotionally and otherwise) relationship. If you believe you have done all you know to do, prayerfully get the counseling you need so you don’t take drastic steps. There just may be one more thing to do that will turn the tide in your relationship or home. If your (potential) spouse knows what to do but they refuse to do it, pray for them.

Ask God for wisdom on how to manage them but never stop doing your part. It’s true that knowledge is power but it’s doing that provokes results. So as we’re bent on adding value to ourselves, we must be ready to put the value gained to work. Until we come to that point, any knowledge we feel we have is irrelevant.

Pursue Knowledge… Pursue Understanding…

The importance of going after the knowledge and understanding needed to run marriage and family effectively can’t be overemphasised. While wisdom builds a home, understanding establishes it, and knowledge fills the home with rare and precious jewels (Proverbs 24:3). Knowledge brings stability (Isaiah 33:6) and a person who lacks understanding is as good as dead (Proverbs 21:16).

Husbands are told to dwell with their wives according to knowledge (1 Peter 3:7) – I believe wives should do the same. While wisdom is the principal thing, we’re told it must be gotten with understanding (Proverbs 4:7). It’s obvious that the place of knowledge and understanding is crucial for any endeavour in life, including in the home. When a person lacks knowledge or understanding, a journey of 1 year can take 10 years! Resources and energy that could have been engaged in important things are wasted.

Even time that should be invested in being productive is lost. Too many families have been negatively impacted simply because knowledge and understanding is lacking. For every issue, there is a solution. It’s in God’s Word and in Holy Spirit (the most authentic marriage counsellor) inspired resource materials. No matter how long you’ve been married, if things are not working as they ought to, go after what you need. If you’re a single lady or gentleman, arm yourself appropriately. Marriage is not like everything else so you can never have too much information about it. Things won’t automatically change for the better for us without a deliberate and conscious effort to arm ourselves with the information (knowledge) and insight (understanding) that will help bring the best out of us and then out of our family life.

Read books, get counsel if necessary, just do what you need to do to get things right. Whatever you do, don’t wallow in pride and ignorance while your relationship suffers. The solution is readily available. Go after it and engage the truths you find. That is wisdom! Blessed weekend. – Kemi Oyedepo