Category Archives: Singles

YOUR BODY!

THE “WHY” FACTOR

If you ask the average single lady or gentleman why they want to get married, more often than not, the answer is usually something like “I don’t know… Just because…” You may not have received that exact answer but the truth is that most times, the answer is not convincing. I remember when I was younger; I just wanted to get married because to me, it was normal to do so at a certain age.

However, as I got older I realized that answer wasn’t good enough for me anymore, especially since there were too many cases of separation or divorce and those who were married actually seemed worse off than we who were single. When I’m privileged to counsel, it’s not unusual for me to ask this question because I really want the individual to answer the “why” first before going through the process of courtship and becoming one flesh with another person. So what’s your reason?

Is it because that’s the next best thing to do? Is it because you feel the pressure?

Is it because everyone around you is doing so?

Is it because you feel incomplete?

Is it because you have a desire to fulfill your destiny with a suitable partner?

Is it because you desire to have a family unit of your own?

Is it because you want to achieve a marital status?

Is it because you feel you are getting old?

Is it because you want to experience this special gift of marriage from God?

The reasons may be endless! What are your genuine reasons for desiring marriage? Whatever they are, it is important to know them. Be honest with yourself. That way, you will know if you are channeling your energy rightly. You’ll know if you are doing so for yourself or simply because of what is going on around you and what others are doing. Most importantly, it would determine how you handle your marriage. I have learnt that those who place a high value on marriage handle it differently from those who perhaps just see marriage as a necessary evil to make the world go round.

I don’t mean giving an answer that people will be intrigued by; I mean an answer that actually convinces and convicts YOU! An answer that tells you whether or not you are actually ready for this thing called marriage. In Luke 14:28, Jesus said something so profound:

“For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?”

Good question! Before building a tower, you need to know why you actually want to build that tower in the first place. Knowing why helps you count the cost. Marriage is good but it’s not all fun and games. There’s serious business in between and if you are only interested in fun and games, you’ll be most miserable in it, and what’s worse, your spouse will be more miserable.

Many who have gotten married have done so without thinking about the WHY! Whatever you do, know that marriage should be entered into with spiritual sensitivity and wisdom. Don’t be careless about it & don’t use your emotions alone to guide you into marriage; that will only generate a lifetime of bitter consequences. Knowing the WHY is part of what will help you make right choices.

Do it wisely…

spouse-matters

One thing I have learnt is that who you join yourself to in life affects the direction of your life. The person you end up marrying can either enhance or derail you in life. In fact, I once  heard someone say ‘your spouse will either make you or break you’ and I have found that to be true. It’s unfortunate that most people are careless about who they get married to. For most, it’s just about finding someone and settling down.

Don’t be causal about marriage; your aim should not be just to get married; your life, your destiny also matters. God didn’t put you on this earth just so you can get married. If marriage was the main thing, then Jesus Himself will have preached it as a matter of urgency but He didn’t. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get married but please keep reminding yourself that while it is good and while it should be desired, it is not the only thing that matters in this life. So if you are going to enter into it, it should be entered into with wisdom.

There are people who get married and end up missing their place in destiny simply because of who they chose to become one flesh with; simply because they were casual about it. And they are full of regrets & frustrations. Among other things, your God-given assignment also matters and who you join yourself to can either set you back from achieving your vision, or help maximise your potentials above your expectations. A Pastor friend of mine told me of her experience counselling a married man who was frustrated with his wife, and all he kept saying was “that woman set me back in life, I shouldn’t have overlooked some important things”. Imagine that! He was talking about his wife!

When I am privileged to counsel couples who are full of regret, I always thank God for the positive change of story that He will make happen for them.  However, if  you are not yet married, you still have the opportunity to learn from the mistakes and right decisions of others. I never hear single ladies or gentlemen specifically looking out for a spouse that will add value to them; a spouse that will bring out the best in them; a spouse that will even align themselves with, and support their vision. A spouse with a good work ethic, one who is diligent, etc. All those things actually matter. Make sure your visions align, and make sure you also fully support your potential spouses vision, plans, etc.

I always like to say that if you feel you must have a list outlining the kind of spouse you want, don’t be carnal about it; be careful what you ask for. Focus on someone who genuinely fears God and will enhance your vision & bring out the best in you. Such a person who has a fear of God will focus on becoming a better person and will put the Word of God to work. However someone who just looks good and is even financially stable but has little or no regard for God’s Word, will only bring out the worst in you. Such a person could be a Christian but it won’t be reflecting in them.

Above all, don’t make marriage a do or die affair; don’t get married at all cost. Your peace of mind & your assignment in life should not be the price you are willing to pay, just so you can call yourself married. Marriage is great but it is not what proves that you are a valuable man or woman. So if you decided that you do want to get married someday, do it wisely!

 

Control it… Before it controls you!

CPYF blog Control it before it controls your relationship KO

It’s amazing how technology has evolved over time. Looking back 10 years ago, I don’t think many of us would have believed that the world is the way it is now. The evolution of technology and social media has really been an interesting journey. It allows us to communicate instantly despite the distance between us. I am often amazed at how God created our brains to come up with such things. While I appreciate the phase we have been going through with social media and everything in between, I have also seen that too much of it, like most things, is really not a good thing. It really has a way of taking away the human touch that was once so cherished between individuals. Specifically, it has done so much damage to many homes,  separating husbands and wives, and families, though unintended. It’s not unusual these days to see a husband and wife sitting face to face, supposedly talking to each other, yet each person is doing their own thing on a phone, tablet or some kind of system, and watching TV at the same time, while the children are also on various tablets! It’s also not unusual to see a husband and wife emailing each other to have a conversation though they share the same room. In fact the rate at which it has trickled its way down to the children, I sometimes  wonder what my children’s generation will be like, if this is where mine is. The sad thing is that it has become much too normal. And it needs to be nipped in the bud before it completely takes over our relationships. It is so important that you limit your time on all your devices, including your phone, TV, and anything else. Have a set time when you go on and when you must be offline. And when you go to bed, put your phone (and everything else) far from you or discipline yourself not to wake up in the middle of the night, looking for your phone to check that one email or anything else (most of us have been there)! Don’t use the excuse that your job demands it. You can still take a break for a few hours. I think how far the internet has come is such a good thing but like every other thing, we must discipline ourselves and how we use it. It should be used in moderation! Like never before, technology and all that comes with it, has hindered the intimacy in many marriages and families. It is what has, to some degree, divided some homes. Many husbands or wives, have found themselves even getting into relationships and various things that they should have had no business with in the first place. Don’t let yours be part of it and don’t accept it as the norm! It sounds so minor however, consciously watch your regular pattern when it comes to your phone, iPad, or whatever tablet you use, etc! If you are honest with yourself, you will agree that your intake of it is like an overdose! It can happen to the best of us and requires our conscious effort to break free from it. While it’s ok to use social media to our advantage – whatever that is, remember that the word of God tells us that though all things may be lawful or ok to do, not all things are beneficial to us; not all things actually add value to us – 1 Corinthians 10:23. Please take control of it so it doesn’t control you or your home/relationships!

Just Wait…

justwait

Some years ago, a friend of mine was getting married and everybody was so excited about it except her; she was just not at peace concerning it. Many of us didn’t really understand what the issue was because this gentleman was handsome, born again, and spirit filled. She really wanted to get married and she tried to hold on to him and although she was not at peace, she couldn’t really understand what her reservations were. We saw that her enthusiasm and excitement became less and less as the wedding day got closer so we began to pray for her and asked the Holy Spirit to reveal whatever was wrong, to her. So much effort went into the planning but guess what, two weeks before the grande wedding was to take place, it was called off! It was a shock to everyone and it was a terrible season in her life. Although she cried every night for months, although she was extremely embarrassed, she knew in her heart of hearts that he was not the one for her. The gentleman was not a bad person at all. He was good but He was not for her.  And because she was in tune in her spirit, she was able to discern and not allow her emotions to lead her down the wrong path in marriage. I personally believe that God was protecting her from whatever was down the line.

As a single lady or gentleman who is looking forward to marriage, it is important that you don’t bypass the leading of the Holy Spirit when making your decision to get married. Whatever you do, ensure you are fully spirit led. Forget the excitement of everyone and be real with yourself. Surrender yourself to God; let Him take over. Yes, that lady, that gentleman may be wonderful but is he/she God’s best for you? Don’t force that relationship; your times are in God’s hands (Psalm 31:15) so don’t let pressure be your motivator. He knows what is to come so He is the best Person to show you which way to go and whom you should go with. There is a definition of wait that I love so much – “Remaining in readiness for a purpose”. That is my point to you today. Marriage has a purpose but that purpose cannot be established if you enter this institution carelessly. The coming together of a man and woman in marriage should not be aimless but purposeful. If you rush or move too slow, you may miss the purpose.

I really applauded her courage to call it off despite all the resources and emotional investment that went into the relationship, and despite what people will say or think. In fact, I recall someone being angry about having to spend so much money preparing for the wedding that never took place and I asked this individual “would you rather hear about her being miserable in the marriage at the end of the day? Is how much you spent worth her peace of mind?” Of course that was the end of that conversation. I am quite passionate about singles because there is still a chance of preventing undesirable situations and there is a saying that “prevention is better than cure“. In the book of Proverbs 16:25, and Proverbs 14:12, we are told that “there is a way that appears to be right but its end is the way of death“.

That destructive end can only be avoided when we don’t hurry but move according to God’s timing and direction. For my friend, I also thank God for honouring her because a few years later, God’s best for her showed up unexpectedly. And that’s how God works. Habakkuk 2:1 talks about waiting to see hear what God has to say before making a move; that’s exactly how it should be if we don’t want to miss what God has in store. When you move according to His rhythm, you find that what He gives to you is far better than what you had in mind for yourself (Ephesians 3:20). It’s my prayer for you that you hearken to the voice of the Lord and receive strength & grace to just wait!

The Most Authentic Navigation System….

2015 Qoute The most authentic navigation system KO 20 x 20cm

One day, while my husband and I were heading somewhere, we relied on the navigation system or sat nav to lead us on the journey. As the system was directing us, it began to lead us  down a particular route  that we felt would take much longer to get to our destination. We had been to this place before so we felt we knew a better route and decided not to follow the directions of the system anymore.  As we carried on, we suddenly got caught up in VERY HEAVY traffic; I mean we were literally at a stand still for a long time. My husband looked at me and said “ah! This must be why the nav was telling us to take a seemingly longer route.” I simply laughed and agreed with him. I pondered on our predicament for some time and considering the fact that I always relate all my experiences to spiritual things, I told him that this must be how a lot of people and the Holy Spirit are; this must be how many miss their appointment in the journey of life because they feel they know a better route to take. I am sure you can relate to our experience in some way!

You may have heard or read about the comparison of the navigation system to the The Holy Spirit. I call Him the most authentic sat nav that exists. In fact the bible states in Romans 8:14, that  “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons (or children) of God“. Also, in John 16:13, when Jesus talked about Him, He said “….he will guide you into all truth…”. Doesn’t that make you glad? As long as you are born again, God has given you a personal sat nav who is with you all the time, who has the responsibility to look ahead and direct us through the journey of life! The truth is that just like in our experience, He tries to take many down the right path but a lot of us may consider His path too long, and feel like we know a better way. So many times, His instructions are ignored and this has caused many to  get stuck in the traffic of life. Just like the physical system, when the Holy Spirit sees impending danger, He redirects our route to take us out of harms way. That is why it is so important to be sensitive to Him, take the time to build yourself up in Spiritual things. Don’t isolate this priceless navigation system to just your finances or your career, engage Him in everything – even in your marriage or courtship. Many single ladies and gentlemen have been saved from a crisis filled marriage just because they heeded to the Holy Spirit and did not let their emotions get in the way. You may be in a relationship now that seems so rosy but if your spirit man is still not at peace, that is the Holy Spirit warning you; DO NOT IGNORE HIM! In your marriage, let the Holy Spirit be your guide in how you handle the affairs of your home. Before you speak to your spouse or in dealing with your children, for example, ask the Holy Spirit to give you utterance that would gain entrance into his/her heart; and if you consciously engage the Him, the fruit of the Spirit will be demonstrated in all you do; use this priceless gift from God for absolutely EVERYTHING!

Just in case you feel like you may have missed it for whatever reason, it is never to late to go back to God and reconcile with Him, then once you do, redirect your focus to the most authentic navigation system to aid you in the journey of life!

Back to our experience; by deciding to follow our own directions, guess what happened? We missed our appointment and had to reschedule! Thank God it was just a dinner reservation!!

I pray for you that you will not miss any appointment, in your family & otherwise, that God has prepared for you!

MORTIFY YOUR FLESH…

flesh_vs_spirit

 

It is so important to ensure that you are walking in the spirit at all times; when you do that, you give no room to the flesh (Galatians 5:16). Most singles today are walking in the flesh and make decisions about marriage in the flesh that affect their lives negatively. You must ensure that your spiritual eyes and your physical eyes work hand in hand when you are on a mission to locate your spouse, and also while you are in the relationship. In fact, elevate your spirit over your flesh.

There is nothing wonderful about having a husband or wife that may be the most attractive in the world, yet they are against the progress of the family or even adding to the challenges that may arise. The day the challenges come, their handsomeness or beauty will automatically fade away. Be spiritually sensitive when choosing your spouse. While being attracted to your spouse is important, remember that marriage is a spiritual house and you CANNOT build it with carnal methods. So whatever you are doing, whether before marriage or while in marriage, ensure that you are moving by the spirit and not your flesh. Stop looking at everything from a physical perspective. Remember it is the spirit realm that controls the natural realm (2 Corinthians 4:18). Build yourself up spiritually like your life depends on it; the headache and chaos it would save you from in marriage cannot be measured!

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View yourself as valuable..

youareworth

It’s important to know your worth when it comes to marraige. Please don’t marry anyone who feels like he or she is doing you a favour by getting married to you. If a man or woman feels you are unworthy of them, loose them and let them go! Don’t beg anybody to love you and please don’t claim God told you that is your spouse; God values you and He expects your spouse to do the same! Be wise! Anyone who marries you like that would never esteem you and you would be most miserable😭😒. It is better to be on your own than live such a life. Marry the one who considers you a blessing😃😉 and a positive addition👍 to his/her life! Whether you are a man or woman, please view yourself as valuable, as top class👌, as unique, and carry yourself that way; stop settling for just anybody; God would send you a spouse to match your worth👏!

Look inward…

singles

A disastrous foundation for marriage is basing your choice of a spouse on their physical appearance. Please note that physical appearance does not exist perpetually. You must look beyond the external when making the decision of whom to marry. Proverbs 31:30 says “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised”. Looks are really not everything! Single women and men are always looking for a man or woman that looks a particular way, to the extent of shunning some potential spouses who, in actual fact may be God’s choice for them. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to your future spouse, we should be asking God for someone who has a heart after Him, someone who has a glorious future, someone who will add value to you and someone who will be a willing participant in ensuring God’s concept of marriage is established in your own home. A person who has a heart for God may go to the extent of making the beauty and the qualities in you stand out unlike the one who is only handsome or beautiful for nothing; with nothing to offer. What is the point of being married to someone who is so handsome or so beautiful yet has a bad character and is not willing to change or is constantly tearing you down, among other things? That is not God’s intention of marriage. Looks are illusive; everything that is required to build a formidable home is beyond it. To go into marriage because of the physical appearance of a person is to set your future home up for destruction. When I see people who are so obsessed with the looks of a person, it brings to light that person’s immaturity. When any man approaches you as a lady, look inward first; pay more attention to his spirit, his character, etc. The same goes for any man who has his eye on a lady; look inward. Accept this truth: it is the heart of a person that makes him/her attractive, not the outward appearance. Placing all your attention on the outward appearance is the beginning of trouble. Look to God to make the right choice!